I haven’t been in a fist fight since I was 15, but if I needed to, I would crack some skulls for my best friend. If some dude was a jerk to her, or some other bitch hurt her feelings–I’d put my body on the line and engage in some serious justice doing, and probably even consider a utility belt and a permanent gig as the BFF Avenger. The things I would do for my friends, unquestionably, are pretty crazy. CRAZY AWESOME. But truthfully, when it comes to BFFs (“A tier, not a person” – Mindy Lahiri) some of the lengths we’d go too can seem pretty insane. There are things you do for your friends that a lot of the time you wouldn’t even bother to do for yourself, that’s how much you love them.
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1. You’d sit on the bathroom floor with them after they’ve had too much too drink and hold back their hair or watch them cry-poop while listening to them moan about something bad that happened, treating it like it was the single worst thing to happen to anyone in the history of the world.
2. You’d try to see how many McDonald’s cheeseburgers you could stuff in your mouth at once because even though it makes you look like an idiot in public you know how much it will make them laugh.
3. You would senselessly and blindly hate anyone they even mildly dislike, like a cunty work colleague or their new boyfriend’s ex.
4. You’d ditch everything–your relationship, work, relaxation time–just to sit on the phone for two hours listening to them talk about their mensies.
5. You would covertly change their ex’s number in their phone to your number, so all drunk texts would siphon harmlessly off to your phone.
6. Failing the number changing method, you would pull their hair, snatch their phone, and delete all evidence–number, text history, call history, photos–of whatever douchebag they were letting destroy their romantic life.
7. You’d proofread their resume/screenplay/dream journal/story pitch/book proposal. And you’d do it as many times as they asked.
8. Your advice to them about any given subject would always be the whole hearted, honest to goodness truth, even if you have to hand over a little kitten to pet while you give it to them straight.
9. You’d support their stupid hobbies and business ventures, even the ones involving crystals.
10. You would throw down if anyone ever dared to hurt them. And I’m talking smashing a beer bottle against a bar throw down.
11. If they were bleeding for some reason and needed your help, you would touch the blood without hesitation.
12. Same goes for poop.
13. You would sit through every installment of [insert shitty movie franchise here] because they love it, and you would discuss at great length the love triangles therewithin, and opt to be team [insert heartthrobby heartthrob from love triangle here], because that’s what your friend is.
14. You would always pour them the last of the wine from the bottle.
15. When the person your friend is seeing isn’t answering calls/returning their texts, you would turn off caller ID on your phone and call them to see if they were screening your friend. If they then answered the blocked call, you would automatically proceed to continue prank calling them in sweet, sweet revenge.
16. You would let them read you your horoscope, and even say shit like “OMG that is SO me right now.”
17. You would make them a sandwich and put in the last bit of salami, knowing full well that means your sandwich will have no salami in it.
18. When you’re on vacation, you’ll trawl those horrible tourist shops in search of the perfect in-joke/tacky but fun/weird/kitschy souvenir to take back for your friend.
19. You would let them borrow your favorite dress for a special occasion and you would not then spend the night telling everyone that complimented her that it’s actually your dress.
20. You would always, always, answer the bat signal bearing cigarettes and wine.
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