Five Good Reasons I’ve Broken Up With Men

1. Apples

Once I found out that Jason not only ate Golden Delicious apples but preferred them, it was over. I’m a Braeburn girl. I’ll tolerate Honeycrisp in a pinch with an occasional Granny Smith if I’m feeling green. But I believe that the type of apple a person has a taste for is indicative of their core, and I don’t want anything to do with a mealy, mushy man. I want hard and with a bite.

2. Crime

Things with Steve were a bit more dramatic. I was watching the local news and suddenly there he was onscreen for the Top Ten Most Wanted segment. Fraud, theft, drugs…the list was quite impressive. Only later did I discover the forged checks, stolen power tools, and pawned notebook computer. We parted ways when I called the cops and had him taken to jail.

3. Box Fans

David was great until summer arrived, bringing with it the battle of the fans. I can’t fathom how anyone would choose a box fan over an oscillating one, but he did. Worse than that, he pulled up the knob on my rotating fan every time he came over, denying my fan the freedom to move, to do what it was meant to do. If a man does that to a household appliance, imagine what he would eventually do to the woman in his life. There was nothing left but to pull the plug on that one.

4. The “L” Word

Troy spelled the end of our relationship when he uttered “I love you” waaaaaaay too soon. I don’t use those words lightly and I won’t say them unless I mean them. He caught me off guard, and the only thing I could do was look him in the eye and tell him, “I have nothing to say to that.”

5. Cancer

For some reason, I decided to break up with Paul when I was in the car, behind the wheel, and driving through downtown. He argued, he begged, he apologized, he cried. For two fucking hours. I couldn’t get him out of my Ford Fairmont to save my life. This gave me an idea: I turned to him and with a shaky voice told him I had been diagnosed with cancer and needed to concentrate on fighting the disease. I said I simply didn’t have the emotional or physical energy for a relationship and that it wasn’t fair to him. I broke down, produced the requisite tears, and was finally able to leave him at the curb.

I’ve ditched a great many men and I beg to differ with Mr. Neil Sedaka: Breaking up isn’t hard to do as long as you have a really good reason. Did I mention Robert? He had aluminum siding put on his house.