Things That Terrify Men

1. Castration

Just the mere thought of someone going Lorena Bobbit on my dick makes me cup my balls like I’m a mother hen protecting her offspring. Men are legitimately terrified of being castrated. They treat it as if it’s this thing that can just happen to them, like paying taxes or getting a parking ticket. “I went to the corner store and a crazy homeless person cut my dick off!” “I was having sex for four hours straight and my penis just fell off into their vagina/butthole!” I’m pretty sure it doesn’t happen like that. The only way you’re getting castrated is if you go to Cancun on spring break and end up getting kidnapped by a bunch of devil worshippers who want to use you as a ritual sacrifice. (That seriously happened. I saw it on E!) It’s a totally irrational fear but I get it. Men love their penises. Even if your dick is two inches and bent like a U-turn, you still cherish it and send it love letters. The thought of my dick just up and leaving my body one day makes me want to dry heave. Did you see that movie Hard Candy where Ellen Page plays a boy/girl who lures an internet pedophile into her home? Well, she gets a little knife happy with the pedophile’s dick and when I saw the scene in theaters, I had to avert my eyes and use my tub of popcorn as a barf bag. I mean, good for Ellen Page for showing that pedophile who’s boss but…

2. Being short

There is nothing realer than a Napoleon complex. Let’s be honest, straight men are PISSED about being short. They want a refund on that body. They want to take it back to the manufacturer and tell them to add four inches to the frame. I don’t know why they’re so upset about being 5 foot 7. (By the way, short guys always lie and say they’re 5 foot 9. EVERY SINGLE TIME. It’s the universally agreed upon magic height for short guys. “5 foot 7? Are you kidding? I’m 5 foot 9, 5 foot 10. Stand up, stand up!” They’re also TERRIFIED of tall girls. “Is your friend Lana coming?” They ask, their voice trembling. “The chick who’s like almost six feet tall?” I don’t see what the big deal is. In my experience, short dudes have the biggest wangs so, you know, it all evens out in the wash.

3. Erectile dysfunction

Even typing “erectile dysfunction” makes my dick shrink and retreat. Is there anything more frightening than a dick that doesn’t work? IT’S IN YOUR HEAD, IN YOUR HEADDDDDD (zombie zombie…) No but really, it is in your head sort of. Sexual anxiety is REAL and will cause you to have serious performance issues. I can’t even talk about it anymore because now I’m scared that my dick won’t work the next time I hook up with someone. I’ve cursed myself!

4. Male pattern baldness

You know what I hear when someone mentions male pattern baldness? I hear, “TEARS, EXPENSIVE HAIR TREATMENTS, MY FUTURE.” Men love their hair almost as much as they love their dick. In fact, if you could just put a giant penis on top of their full head of hair, all males would be set for life.

5. Caring about anything

“I got a new job that pays six figures so that’s cool. I found someone to love me so that’s pretty sweet, I guess. I got named The Best Person Ever by Everyone In The World magazine so that was nice.” They only emit emotion when the topic turns to their dick, their hair, or their height.