Reasons Why Texting Is The Worst Part About Dating

I genuinely believe that texting is the worst thing that’s ever happened to the dating world. It is an inevitable thing that we all have to endure in order to charm someone. I hate texting. A panel of judges scoring me on how I’m doing in a real date and feeding me with live scoring would be less pressure than texting. Whoever started the trend of text messages in dating should be punished by being forced to wait forever for the world to text them back. Here are my reasons why texting is pure evil in the dating world.

1. Words only convey 10% of human communication.

Yes, before you ask, I did steal that from the movie Hitch . 90% of human interaction is non-verbal. Texting basically negates all 90% and assumes that the 10% of pseudo-English we’re all responsible for inventing is enough to convey our message. It’s not. How many times have you experienced a complete miscommunication over a text message with a friend? With an understanding friend, you can explain what you really meant afterwards. But with someone whom you’ve dated? There’s no going back once you hit “send.”

2. There’s the agony of waiting to be texted back.

This is the worst part about texting. Waiting for someone to text you back is like waiting for your STD test results to come back. Five minutes feel like a week. Thirty minutes feel like a year. An hour and you might as well just give up and go masturbate. I guess it’s slightly more bearable if you’re doing stuff around the house or out with friends. My personal favorite is watching paint dry before you check your phone. Wait, you hear that beautiful text tone. Fuck! No, I don’t want a free trip to the Bahamas!

3. The indecisive moments when you’re not sure if it’s too soon to text back.

You finally get a text back and she said what you expected. You type in your witty/funny response and your thumb reaches for the “send” button. Wait, it’s been like 15 seconds. Better wait a few minutes or she’s just going to think you’re desperate. Now you’re reading the words you’ve just entered and wondering if she’s going to understand your joke—or worse, if she’s going to get offended and never text you back again! Must edit! Now an hour has past, she’s thinking you’re not into her, and you’ve edited your text into incoherent gibberish. Sad, isn’t it?

4. We have an infinite amount of time to think about what we’re about to say.

Unlike a real conversation, we have as much time as we’d like to say something over text. Instead of saying what we really mean, we construct some facade that we think the other person is going to like. We backspace obsessively to edit our message into what we think is perfect. That doesn’t happen in a face-to-face conversation. We either say it or we don’t. They either like it or they don’t. With text messaging, everything is spoken based on what we think the other person wants to hear. How are we supposed to build a real connection based on that?

5. Reading back text logs.

This is another favorite activity of mine while I’m waiting for someone to text me back—obsessively scrolling up the text history and reading past conversations. Damn, I shouldn’t have said this! Oh shit, I should’ve said that! Guess what? It’s already been said. There’s nothing you can do about it. This wouldn’t be a problem if the conversation was face-to-face or over the phone. Unless you said something really fucked-up, it’s not significant enough for you to remember and contemplate. And there’s no recording for you to reflect on. Or maybe we do. I’m looking at you, NSA!

6. Read receipts.

As if waiting for someone to text us back is not a form of torture in itself, the sadists at Apple and Blackberry decide to give us the wonderful gift of read receipts. Never do you think of a reasonable explanation for why he’s not texting you back within 30 seconds. The worst is when it’s one of my turns to text back; I feel obligated to do it within a ridiculously short time frame to avoid any anxiety on her part.

7. (…)

Do I even need to elaborate on this? I’ve developed a coping mechanism for this situation. If the dots flash more than a minute, I drop the phone in whatever drink is nearby. If the dots disappear after briefly flashing, the phone is going to impact the hardwood floor violently.

8. Autocorrect.

Duck is fuck. Fuck is duck. I like anal. Orgies are fun. DUCK YOU, iPHONE!

9. Emoticons

Am I supposed to be more convinced that you are happy because you added a smiley? What the hell is a colon plus a “P” supposed to mean? Wow, I’m so impressed that the heart you just sent me actually has a pumping animation. Sarcasm aside, fuck emoticons. They’re worse than greeting cards. If you want to smile at someone, smile. You don’t need a yellow blob to express it for you.

10. Texting is devoid of all real human contact.

There’s something magical about hearing the other person’s voice or gazing into their eyes. It makes anyone who doesn’t have a stone-cold heart feel tingly and fuzzy inside. Texting basically takes that and replaces it with anxiety and despair. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather feel those butterflies in my stomach again instead of wanting to puke them all out waiting for a text back. Instead of “Whatsup?,” call her and ask about her day. Instead of “I luv u 2!,” call him and let him hear your voice while you say it.

Ways to Spice Up Your Relationship

Don't let your relationship get boring. Follow our advice to keep it alive!

Even if you and your love have been dating for a short time, it’s not unusual to find yourself bored quickly. If you’re spending all your time together, you may find yourself running out of things to do or talk about. You’ve gone on as many dinner-and-movie dates as you can handle, and you need to spice up your relationship before it grows stale. Here are some ways to keep your love exciting and new:

1. Try a different kind of date: Traditional dates may be fun, but they grow repetitive quickly. Try a unique date that involves something you’ve never done before. Go on a weekend outing; explore some place exotic for a cultured experience that will broaden your horizons and give you and your babe something new to talk about.

2. Play a game: When your conversation runs dry, the only way to save it is to get creative. Not sure what you don’t know about your love ? Those ice-breakers you did all throughout high school may come in handy. Playing 20 questions or “never have I ever” is a good way to learn new things about your honey and feel like a kid again at the same time.

3. Spice things up – literally: Does your boyfriend burn water? Take a cooking class together. You can learn ways to incorporate different and exotic cuisines into your everyday cooking, like spicy Indian, Peruvian, or Brazilian food for a flavorful experience. Plus, a class gives you a chance to work hands-on and learn something together.

4. Stop saying no: Most of the time, relationships fizzle out because one person is constantly turning down the other’s ideas. Next time your sweetheart asks you to go to a basketball, don’t turn him down just because you don’t like it. Keep yourself open to his interests and he’ll be more open to try new things, too. Who knows – you may even have a blast!

5. Take some time: A big reason most people get tired of their partner is because they’re exhausting all their time with each other. Take some time to yourself – hang out with your girlfriends , run some errands on your own, and stop spending every night at his place. You’ll find the time you spend together more precious when it’s not so constant.

Since You Will Not Let Me Love You, I Have To Let You Go

I open my eyes to see your face angled towards mine. My gaze drifts down your body and falls onto the intricate clusters of freckles that glaze you shoulder like spotted-doilies. Your chest rises and falls in unison with my own breath and your arms are tantalisingly close to mine.

I want to be nearer to you so I nuzzle my face into your springy-auburn hair. It smells of cigarettes from the night before. Last night at the party, in between the cigarettes that now linger in your hair, you found me inebriated and hollow on the stairs. When you pretended to care and enquired about the source of my sadness I finally told you the truth that had been bubbling inside me for months. You responded by telling me that you were too tied up to be with me.

What you said now swirls around in my mind as I gingerly move my fingertips towards your torso, careful not to move the sheets that we are now both tied up in.

As I trace the alabaster skin that curves around your rib, I yearn for you to place your hand on top of mine and clasp it around my fingers.

Instead you remain lifeless, except for the trail of air passing in and out of your nose.

I curl my toes against your foot until I feel your navicular bone. Instantly you pull away, just like that time at the cinema when our elbows accidentally met on the armrest and you pulled away.

Feeling unwelcome, I move my body further away from the warmth of yours and resort to tracing the arc of your eyebrows with my eyes. It is in this moment, as you sleep so close to me yet are so unattainable, that I feel it. I feel my heart drop from my chest and an emptiness in my stomach engulfs me like a sinkhole with the realisation that we will never be.

A panic sets in and I want to hold onto you, to this moment.

I want the birds to stop yapping and the sun to delay its light for a little longer. I want to wake you up, kiss you and tell you that, right now—while you’re asleep and cannot hurt me—you are the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen.

I want to make you cups of tea in bed on rainy Sundays, buy you more funny socks to add to your collection and bake you a pumpkin pie. I want to sit up all night, drinking red wine and not fall asleep until we both collapse in a sweaty-giggly mess. I want to bury my face into your chest when I am sad and fall asleep on your shoulder when I’ve had just a bit too much to drink. I want to feel the palm of your hand on the small of my back when we are in public. I want to hold you so close to me that I can feel the vibration of your heartbeat through my own chest.

To put it simply, I want to love you until the last breath expires from my lungs and the last pulse beats through my veins – if you’d only let me.

Instead, I swing my legs out of bed, put my pants back on and wrap the duvet tighter around you like a burrito. Then I take one last look and I walk out the door, across the road and towards a future without you.

Don’t Text Her When You’re Lonely

Do not text her when you are lonely. Do not hit her up late at night as you stumble home from the bar looking for some temporary love to get you through to the morning. Do not text her during the slow parts of your day, when the solitude starts to creep up on you and you begin to long for someone to make the time go by faster, to make the moment feel less empty.

Do not be that guy. Do not text her when you are lonely.

Because here is the thing: she likes you, dude. And when she sees your name pop up on the screen, it will make her happy because she has not yet discovered your intentions. She has not yet realized the rules of the game you are playing, how you only have your interests in mind. How you are exploiting her feelings, her heart, because you merely want a confidence boost, or simply something physical.

And so she will happily reply, and excitedly wait to see what you have to say next. She still trusts you, after all. She still has hope and feelings for you. And so when you invite her over, when you act like you like her, she will believe you.

It is truly not fair of you to string her along in this way, to leave her a trail of breadcrumbs that leads to nothing but broken promises and sweet nothings. She deserves better than that, someone who reaches out because they are thinking of her and sincerely want to know how she is doing. Someone who cares about her. Not someone who knows that they do not plan on seeing her again until it is convenient for them.

She deserves someone who treats her heart like the force of nature that she is, the all at once brave and fragile entity that keeps her loving without hesitation and open for something more. Something real. Do not hinder her from finding this. Do not text her when you are lonely.

Because eventually, you will stop texting back as quickly, won’t you? It is all part of your strategy. You act hot and cold, interested and uninterested to rope her and and keep her guessing. But you need to understand that she is not this plaything you are trying to make her. She is not here for your entertainment, to stroke your ego when it is down, to be another body to keep you warm to paint the illusion that you are not alone.

So stop texting her when you are lonely, because one day she will not reply.

She will have learned the ins and outs of your games. She will have realized that your words meant nothing, that the two of you meant nothing. When she sees your name show up on her phone screen uninvited at 3AM, she will simply close the message and go back to sleep.

You do not phase her anymore.

Eventually, she will delete your number because she has no use for it. You are no longer part of her life, and she has absolutely no intention of letting you back in. She sees right through you. But she is not bitter.

She is simply moving on, ready to find someone to love her the way she so freely and fearlessly loves. Without hesitation, without assumption. With respect and care. And even though you broke her heart, you did not break her. She is stronger than you realize and that is exactly why you do not deserve her.

You Deserve To Be Chased

You deserve to be wanted. To be loved. To be adored. And to be chased.

I’ve spent a lot of my years, especially in college, chasing people. Chasing girls that I wanted to be friends with. Chasing boys I wanted to be with. Chasing love when it was never going to happen.

All I did was run and stumble until I fell. All I did was end up hurting myself more. All I did was scream their names only to be met in silence. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I continue to love people who didn’t love me back?

I guess every heartbreak and mistake ends in a lesson, right? And I think through that time in my life, I learned that they never did deserve that chase. Because as I chased them, they ran. As I wanted them, they ignored me. And as I loved them, they acted like I never existed.

I wasted so many years. When I could have been spending time loving myself, or loving someone who actually truly adored me, I spent years going after people who never would have wanted me, no matter what I said or did.

You shouldn’t have to chase someone for them to notice you. You shouldn’t ever have to beg them to love you. You shouldn’t have to beg them to stay. They should just want to. they should just want to love you, with their full heart.

Don’t ever chase someone who does not want to be found. It will only end in pain. In heartbreak. Of your own heart.

But do you know what you really deserve? You deserve to be wanted. To be seen. To be looked at adoringly. You deserve to be cherished. You deserve to be chased by someone who is willing to give you their heart. And you deserve to be chased, by someone who you don’t have to chase.

You deserve to be chased. And not in the way I used to do. I mean you need to be pursued. You deserve someone to see all of you, and still think you are the goddamn sun. You deserve to be taken care of. To let someone into your heart. Because you know that they will keep it safe. And they aren’t going to hurt you.

You deserve to be loved in a way that you never thought was possible. You deserve to know that you are worth it. That you are worth love and you are worth someone loving you back.

You have to realize that you are not replaceable. that you are the only you in the world. And for someone else, you will be their magic and their world. So let them into your life. You’re allowed to fall. You’re allowed to give them your all now. Because this time, you won’t have to run. This time, you will learn how to be loved back. This time, everything will be different.

This time you won’t be so scared to fall. Because you’ll have someone waiting and willing to catch you.

Thank You For Loving Me The Way You Did

It’s been years since we both separated ways. So many things have changed. I’ve met so many new people, went to so many new places and gone through so many happy and sad days. For sure you did too. But for now, I want you to reminisce for just a short moment the days not when were falling for each other, but on the few final chapters of the story we both shared.

Even now I’m not quite sure what really went wrong. I’ve got so many unanswered questions as to why you just left me like that. I thought you knew my intentions. I thought you appreciated my effort of leaving everything behind just to be with you and to support you even when it hurts. It’s sad to think you didn’t, but that’s just the only conclusion I had. I want you to know that all I ever thought of in those days was about doing everything I can to save us.

Most of the time, during the most awful days of my life, I often look back at that one decision I made and break down and blame myself for choosing incorrectly. That decision affected much of what has been happening to me until now. That decision of including you in my life. Everything will be different without you.

Why did all of the sudden I wanted to tell you this? The reason is because I wanted peace. It may be selfish, but I hope you can also benefit from this. I’ve been too hard to myself. I’ve regretted giving so much of me to you. If I’ll be given the opportunity to turn back the time, I would surely never given you a chance again. Forgiving myself was a lot harder than forgiving you. But I am also sincerely sorry for all the hurt I have caused you. I hope you had forgiven me too.

Don’t get me wrong. I had moved on. I just wanted to let it all out because I never really said it to anybody, and if I had said this to you a few years back, I know you’d only ignore this.

I’m genuinely happy for you. Even though you left me with very deep wounds that left scars, just like many others, I’m proud of them. For me, it’s a power not all have reached. It’s a symbol of overcoming something that could have killed you and yet you survived. It’s also a symbol of new beginnings; using those scars to remind you that you can already face anything life throws at you.

I’m glad that you let me go. We were just not meant to be. I’m happy that you are living what you dreamed of having and still reaching for more. I hope you find the one for you who can love you more than I did and may you cherish and protect it. I hope I’ll find mine too. I choose to see the bright side of the end of us. It’s for me and you to learn more. Whatever it is that we may get from it, I pray we realize it all for us to become better in loving others and especially loving ourselves. This is the first and last message I have for you. I pray for many joyful days ahead of you. I thank you.

To All The Girls Who Have Been Just A Fling

You know that guy? They were supposed to be the game changer. You believed in them as a friend, and you were someone you trusted to be in your life. They seemed really great at first, much like the rest of them, but the tables turned and you never knew it could hurt this much.

You deserve to be loved whole heartedly, passionately, and with mutual respect.

Respect for not only each other as a human being, but emotional respect. Respecting each other enough to voice your true feelings and concerns, rather than lock them away. Respecting each other to not play head games and phone games with each other.

You deserve to be loved not for your looks, your body, or for sex.

You don’t deserve to be loved only for your availability. You deserve to be loved by someone as much as you have the capacity to love them back, respect them back and appreciate them.

You deserve to be the only one, not one of many.

You deserve to not split your free time with someone else who may be more available.

They shouldn’t be allowed to have someone in every town that they visit. Life is about choices and you have to choose someone. No relationship will work if you are bouncing from one person to the next. For a relationship to work, they’ll have to give it your best shot so you aren’t asking yourself later – “What could have been?”

It’s not fair for them to toy with someone’s emotions just because you are making the choice to be vulnerable. Just because you share your deepest feelings, doesn’t mean they get to enjoy them on their terms only. Part of feeling so deeply is expecting the good and the bad; they can’t expect to have the best in you without seeing your worst.

It’s not okay for them to make a fool out of you, even from a distance.

You should know that it’s not okay to lead you all the way up the stairs of love, and then drop your beating heart from a 10 story building.

You deserve better than this.

You deserve to be with someone who cares, and TRULY cares about how their decisions affect you.

Part of life is understanding how your decisions affect not just yourself, but others.

You deserve to be with someone who respects you enough to tell you the entire truth, and not just parts of it.

You deserve someone who makes you feel wanted. You deserve to have someone who truly cares, and who doesn’t just put on a show.

You deserve someone who wants the unedited version of you, who can handle the good and the bad.

You deserve to feel unashamed, and not constantly feeling like you have to walk on eggshells. You don’t deserve to feel afraid of tomorrow; afraid of the next time they’re going to throw in the towel and stop being honest with themselves.

You don’t deserve to be a fling.

Every part of you deserves to be loved.

You Deserve To Be More Than Just Somebody’s ‘Option’

You are a human being. A living, breathing beautiful being. And you know what? You don’t deserve to let people take advantage of your heart and your love. You don’t deserve to be stepped on, to be laughed at for wanting to be loved.

You deserve to be so much more than someone’s maybe. Than someone else’s option. You are not an option, or a question mark. Your heart is too big to feel fulfilled by half-hearted love.

You don’t deserve to be someone’s ‘almost’. You don’t deserve to be someone’s ‘later’, or someone’s ‘maybe in a few years’. You deserve real, true love. You of all people deserve love that is never ever questionable.

You deserve to be someone’s ‘always’. You deserve to be someone’s ‘forever’.

You were meant to hold onto greater things in life than someone who plays games with you. You were meant to kiss someone greater than the boy who likes to tug at your heartstrings and leave you high and dry. You were meant to give your heart to someone that is better than him. To someone that is better than what you are used to now.

You deserve everything that you fantasize love to be about. You deserve everything that love can give a human being. But, you need to stop selling yourself short. You need to stop loving people who don’t love you back. You need to stop latching onto people who frankly, don’t give a damn about you.

Your heart needs to be filled. And it’s not going to feel whole with these people that you keep letting back into your life. It’s not going to be fulfilled if you keep on letting it get broken.

You are too capable and beautiful and smart to let these people throw you around. You are too wonderful and lovable to take anything that you can get. You are too magical to accept love that is not love.

Don’t fall for their tricks. Don’t fall for their lies and their fire eyes. Don’t fall for their hands on you. All they are is talk. They are cowards. They don’t want true love. They don’t want commitment. They just want your body and your lips. They just want a tiny taste of you.

And then they are going to let go of you. Because to them? You were just an option. You were just an object. You were just a nothing.

Don’t be somebody’s nothing.

In your heart, you know that you deserve more. You know that you are worth more, and that you should be treated so much better than how they treat you. You just need to gather enough courage to tell them to stop. You just need to have enough strength inside of you to call it off for good. And you need to find that love inside of yourself, to let love come to you when it needs to.

Be patient with yourself. Have compassion for your own heart. Cut off ties with those people who only see you as a body part. Call it off with those people who only want you when they are lonely.

Show yourself the kind of love that you know you will one day find. Love yourself harder, than they could ever love you. And show yourself that you are not an option. You are not a force to be reckoned with.

No, you are worth more. You deserve so much more.

He Is NOT Clingy, He Just Wants You To Know He Cares

He gets nervous when it takes you too long to respond because he is worried that something horrible happened to you — and the worst thing in the world would be losing you. He wouldn’t be able to handle that. Just the thought makes him sick to his stomach. So when he double texts you to find out why you are so late from work, it isn’t because she doesn’t trust you or because he wants to nag you. It’s because he’s worried you’ve gotten into some kind of horrible accident. He’s worried for your saftey.

He asks you about your plans for the weekend a few days in advance because he wants to make sure that he’ll be able to see you. He knows that waiting until the last second could mean missing out on another date with you and he doesn’t want that. Besides, he has his own life. If you tell him you are busy ahead of time, that means he can ask his other friends to hang out. He doesn’t want to wait until the last second to see if you’re free, because if you’re busy, he doesn’t want his day to go to waste. He has other things he can do.

He asks for details about your day because he actually gives a shit about you. He wants the best for you. He hopes that things are going well for you. He cares about your happiness as much as his own. He isn’t asking questions in order to invade your privacy. He’s asking questions because people like to talk about themselves and he doesn’t want to make the whole conversation about him and how he’s doing. He’s trying to keep the conversation balanced.

He texts you as soon as he wakes up in the morning because he wants you to know you are the first thing that enters his mind. He loves you, so he wants to spend the entire day talking to you. He understands that your world doesn’t revolve around him, he understands that you can’t always answer back within minutes, but he still wants to talk to you as much as possible. He loves hearing your jokes, your stories, your questions. They make his day complete.

He only comes across as clingy because he cares about you more than he cares about most people.

He isn’t going to go hours without texting you or weeks without asking to see you, because he considers you an important part of his world. He wants you around always. He isn’t going to play games with you and act like you matter less to him than you actually do. He doesn’t see the point in lying.

You might be uncomfortable with him openness. You might accuse him of suffocating you, of acting too clingy , too desperate .

But at least he wears his heart on his sleeve. At least he admits what you mean to him. At least he stays authentic. At least he puts in effort instead of expecting you to do all of the work. At least he gives a damn.

ProbHow To Find Love In A Hopeless Place

I’ve always loved the idea of love, of “someone”. The idea of marriage, of starting a business, of having a pet, or becoming a mother. But the truth is, the idea is not the real thing because the real thing is no longer about me and what I want and how I want it to be. The real thing involves listening, and hard work. It involves commitment, sacrifice, investment. It involves sweat, a ton of patience, resisting the urge to run when things get hard. The real thing involves a life that is less about me and more about someone or something else , whoever or whatever that is for you. The boyfriend/girlfriend, the husband/wife, the client, the company, the dog, the child.

I am no longer buying into these ideas, especially the one that in order to be in relationship I must be whole . This is not to imply that a relationship will complete me; instead, this is suggesting that a relationship serves as a mirror into the depths of my soul-which allows me to see the FULL reflection of who I am: My own selfishness, my unhealed places, the scars; but also the magic, the goodness, and the treasure that is hidden underneath all the other crap.

In this season I am learning that love is less about my feelings and more about my choices: to be and to do the thing that is sometimes so hard to do, to go against my own selfish nature despite how uncomfortable that makes me, to stay present when I want to withdraw, to tell the truth when I’d rather lie. Love is a kiss in the middle of an argument, silence instead of shouting, patience when I feel misunderstood. Love is digging for strength instead of giving into temptation, apologizing for the sake of restoring, giving without expecting, having lunch with my father without taking out his list of wrongs that I keep in my pocket, and eventually throwing the list away.

Maybe God intended it this way. He understood the hopelessness of this world, and so He gave us the gift of love.

Maybe our purpose is to use this gift—to love so often and so well, we make of this world a work of art instead of a hopeless place.

If You Ever Fall In Love, Fall In Love With Someone Like This

If you ever fall in love, fall in love with someone who...

You can laugh with, but also cry with.

You can joke around with, but also be serious with.

You can enjoy the present moment with, but also envision a future with.

You can enjoy nights out with, but also sit in comfortable silence.

You can bring around your friends, but also around your family.

You can be young and crazy with, but also picture being old and wise with.

You admire.

You respect.

You're proud to be with.

You smile just thinking about.

You would do anything to spend time with.

You make a priority in your life.

You can picture raising children with.

You genuinely miss when they aren't around.

Fall in love with someone who comes into your life and makes you understand why it never worked out with anyone else.

Fall in love with someone who motivates you to become the best version of yourself, without changing who you really are.

Fall in love with someone who you'll pledge to choose every single day.

Fall in love with someone who supports your goals, dreams, and ambitions.

Fall in love with someone who you believe in.

And most importantly, fall in love with someone who feels the exact same way about you.

I Ignored All My Relationship Dealbreakers And Found My Soulmate

I thought I knew what I wanted. Here's why I was wrong.

When I was a young man I thought I knew exactly what I wanted from a relationship . I had what I regarded as “standards", and thanks to those standards , I was confident that I could never, ever be in love with a woman who didn’t live up to my high expectations.

That’s how young men think. And, by “young” I mean “stupid".

I was a big ol’ dummy who made imaginary lists in my mind of what my ideal relationship partner NEEDED to have.

I thought they were dealbreakers — the things, important things that would define the love of my life.

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She had to like the same movies as I did (same books and music too). She had to be funny in the way I thought I was funny. (Just FYI — I’m not funny.) She had to be cool, bored with politics, and outgoing. She should hate mayonnaise and never pressure me to try foods I didn’t like.

She should be open-minded, but exactly in the way that I imagined myself to be open-minded — which meant no religions, no dissenting social views, and no liking the kinds of people I didn’t like.

Oh, and she absolutely could not be a smoker or have any tattoos .

I felt very strongly about all of those criteria. They were major dealbreakers . I felt they defined the kind of woman that would be the perfect fit for me. My soulmate.

Cut to almost two decades later and I’m about to celebrate my 17-year wedding anniversary with a tattooed smoker.

(OK, she doesn’t smoke anymore — she did when we first fell in love — but the tattoos are still there.)

She loves mayo, is interested in politics, and our pop culture books/movies/music venn diagrams barely overlap.

So, what happened?

I grew up. I realized that my manic dream girl dealbreaker checklist didn’t really count as “standards.”

It was just a bullshit fantasy football version of dating.

It wasn’t based on any reality or experience. It was a lonely guy who’d tried nothing yet imagining what he might like one day.

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I’m not saying that people shouldn’t have ANY dating standards. I’m pretty confident that avoiding drug dealers or people with a history of racism and/or violence is a prudent way to approach dating. But, when I was imagining my perfect Frankenstein girlfriend in my head all those years ago, it didn’t occur to me to see the woman as a person rather than an accumulation of things I liked.

Sure, it’s nice if your partner likes the movies you like, but it should, in no way, be a dealbreaker .

Why can’t you each have your own perspectives on art, music, and literature? Why do they need to be 100% in-sync? Does it really matter if she likes Raising Arizona as much as you do if she’s funny, smart, attractive, empathetic, and makes you feel amazingly, amazingly loved?

In a relationship, you need to make allowances.

You need to accept — and enjoy — that your partner is their own person.

Because, think about it, what’s the real appeal of being in love with your twinsie? Are we really looking for idealized versions of ourselves or adolescent fantasies brought to life?

I fell in love with my wife because I’d NEVER met anyone like her before in my life.

She’s beautifully unique and realizing that this woman — a woman I never could’ve dreamed up during my teen years — wants to spend time with me and love me… it’s so much more satisfying than any Weird Science fantasy girl I ever could’ve cooked up in my head.

Yes, I wasn’t a fan of the smoking at the time. And, yes, I’ve completely changed my mind regarding tattoos (so hot). But that’s because I’m a human being who, surprisingly, grows and evolves over time.

So, don’t limit yourself with silly, frivolous relationship dealbreakers, people.

You will never know what’s really important to you in a romantic partner until you stop making wish lists and start going out into the world and figuring out what feels right for you on a person-to-person level.

I Promise, He Will Be Worth Waiting For

Just wait, he will arrive.

He will arrive when you least expect it. He will arrive the moment you are content with your own life. He will arrive when you have set plans for yourself without even considering anyone else. He will arrive when you’re enjoying living life on your own without obligations to anyone. He will arrive when you’re at your prime. He will arrive when you’re at your best self – and you don’t even know it yet because he’ll bring it out of you and even point it out.

When he does arrive, your world will become an explosion of emotions. You will be skeptical. You will keep yourself composed in front of him. You will be friendly, but not give off too much. You will keep your walls up because you want to protect yourself from that kind of hurt. You will not share too much, but soon find yourself sharing a lot because he feels familiar and safe. You will start ticking things off a list of things he should and shouldn’t be – and soon realize that that list is stupid because he seems to be everything on the should be list with just a few bumps and dents that you don’t mind looking over. You will begin to warm up to him, and you will begin to rethink the plans you have for yourself.

You will snap out of it and tell yourself its the infatuation drug taking over you. You will slowly bend again, because you get lost in a world when you’re talking to him. You will try to hide your smile and lessen your giggles when you’re sitting in front of him, but he points them out and you realize there’s no use hiding.

You will see his feelings turn into declarations and his words turn into actions. You will see him more often than you expected and you will begin to miss him when he isn’t around. You will realize what you have in front of you is something special, and you will begin feeling things you never thought you’d feel again anytime soon.

He will make your heartbeat faster overtime the topic of feelings come up, because your feelings are slowly becoming validated even if you don’t utter a word. He will feel gentle, measured and unrushed, because he will share his feelings without declaring anything straight out until he knew it was the right time.

When the right time does come, he will be straightforward, laying all his cards on the table , knowing the risks but doing so anyway because he knows its worth it. He will then reassure you and make you feel safe, carefully explaining to you that his feelings are not going anywhere because they have turned into a constant and conscious decision everyday that you are now in his life. He will feel your hesitation and he will not rush you, instead, he will warm you up in the envelope of his hug while your rigid body slowly melts to his body heat.

 

He will make sure to constantly validate your feelings , whether you verbalize it or not, because he will know exactly what’s going on inside you. When you finally verbalize it, he will make you feel safe, always reminding you that your feelings are safe with him – that he will protect them. He will remind you how much this means to him. He will be persistent in expressing his love for you, even go out of his way just to do things for you. It will feel weird at first, and you will tell him this – but he will always pinpoint that it doesn’t matter because he loves you and he will never tire of showing you that. Then you will realize that this is the kind of love you’ve been missing out on the entire time.

You then find yourself slowly letting those walls down. You will find yourself allowing the feelings to take over you. You will find yourself making a firm decision to get in this. After, you will find yourself doing things you never thought you’d do. You will find yourself going out of your way to do things for him because he will do the exact same thing if things were turned around. You find yourself feeling so strongly toward someone, you didn’t know you had it in you to feel that way. You find yourself expressing your feelings toward him in ways you never thought you could.

You find yourself smiling yourself to sleep at night because, finally, you found it.

You found the kind of love you were meant to receive. The kind of love that is even better than those in the movies because it was actually happening to you. The kind of love that you don’t need to seek validation for because you both are on the same page. The kind of love guided on principles and values you both believe in. The kind of love founded on a solid Rock, you’re confident it won’t shake. The kind of love you will not find anywhere else, because its a love so unique, so special and so rare. This is the kind of love that’s meant for a lifetime, and the kind of love that you’re supposed to fight for. And its yours to share – with him.

Protect it. Keep it. Fight for it.

Don’t settle for anything less than this kind of love. Don’t try to justify any other kind of love that isn’t like this – that doesn’t feel right, because you’re just toying with your emotions if you do. Don’t go out looking for this kind of love because this is the kind of love that comes and finds you.

This love will arrive. He will arrive, wait for it. It’s worth the wait.

The Difference Between True Love And Obsession

Love, if not shared, one cannot call love. Call it the memory of love or the longing for love. Or even better, obsession. It happened to all of us, no matter how cool, intelligent and loveable we think we are.

Is unrequited love, the dramatic, intense and eventually painful type of love, just an obsession? I kept thinking about this lately.

I remember a talk I had many years ago with a guy I loved for a little while and became obsessed with for a longer while. I was very young back then, but as idealist as I am today. How long after we break up with someone should we have that person in mind? What’s the purpose of thinking about a person all over again?

We were colleagues at the university and had a brief love affair in the first year. After we broke up, I kept thinking about him. It was hard not to do so since our paths crossed on a daily basis. I kept looking for signs of his feelings towards me in everything he did, in his gestures, in his words, in his overall behaviour. I was experiencing an outburst of imagination, which I translated into poetry. My frantic mental activity required a person to share my full palette of emotions with. And this is what friends are for. I had a best friend as a confident. Someone to trust and feel at ease with when talking about love. Or obsession.

I think about love all the time. For artists, love equals inspiration. I find myself writing nostalgic texts when I need to release some pressure from my heart. I always tend to go back to the past when I write. With painting, it is different because if I let my hand go free, I can discover some unknown things. Writing can be painful, it fixes the weight of the words on a support, but painting is more dreamy. I don’t care about perspective, technique, quality. If I wanted to obey rules, I wouldn’t have turned to art. There is something heavy inside myself and something feathery. This is why I paint and write. This is nostalgia.

It was a hot summer day and I was hungover. As I was diving deeper inside my obsession, I started feeling as I was drifting away somewhere in the middle of the sea, with no direction to go. There were times when life seemed meaningless. I was constantly questioning and doubting my path in life. If I have a high capacity of endurance now, it originates in those times. I met him and we went to a park close to my house. I looked at his face, looking for familiar gestures, like those I used to see when I closed my eyes. He had been constantly on my mind for the past two years. But only then, I was to meet the real person that fuelled my imagination. He could have kissed me, he could have grabbed my hand and time could have stopped for a second. There is always a gap between how we want things to be and how they are.

The difference between true love and obsession is reality. Our ability to distinguish between how a person really is and how our imagination wants that person to be is just a matter of psychological exercise. We always tend to give some imaginary traits of character to the persons we love, it is part of the way human interactions work. But only when we manage to break those illusions, we can eventually conclude: it was true love or it was just obsession.

We met on that day and walked a few steps together because I wanted to know how could he be dating my best friend. This is such a common tale, that no one should be surprised about. I was waiting for an answer that never came. And as the man I thought I loved, when I was only obsessed with, started revealing his true self, I could see my distorted image of him breaking into pieces.

The day when he could have grabbed my hand, but he didn’t, we sat down on a bench and looked at children playing. He told me about my giant ego and how I will see, one day I will get a job and lead a normal life, how this is a temporary adolescent-like crisis and as years fade away, I will remember vaguely about an artistic rebellion against life I once had. The day when he could have honestly told me why he is dating my best friend, he went on chit-chatting about meaningless things, giving unsolicited advice about how to live the best cliché. And nobody stopped to applaud the glorious break of an illusion.

And I understood back then, in that summer day, sitting on a bench in a park next to my house, that he cannot deal with me, that what people call mad is something they do not understand, that overpasses their capacities and that there are people who will try to cut off your wings because they cannot imagine themselves with wings. Years passed by and I did not change that much. I don’t remember if I called him a coward or I just felt pity for myself. For how love is ultimately a solitary experience, how most of the passions are built on lies we tell to ourselves and how there are wounds that some people create and only other people can heal. But in order to make possible the healing, we need to contribute it to it ourselves.

The guy I was obsessed with and my former best friend are now married. They also have a child.

Why do we need to experience pain and longing for a person, why do we need to have our heads filled with thoughts about someone that is no longer part of our present, as we find ourselves completely alone in our rooms? This case of self erotica, the exploration of oneself through art or whatever the means has ultimately a purpose: to learn love and compassion for ourselves, for the entire being.

Our expectations are made of hope and waiting. Our expectations are those stinging our hearts because pain reminds us we are alive. When we reach a certain level of emotion, we lose the consciousness of our body, we mix up with the air around us. As if to mingle with the air around us is the best type of silence we could have. Hope and waiting are made of silence. But us, humans, we are talkative beings and sometimes we need to kill our old expectations, just to be able to build new ones. As long as we live,we will be looking for people with whom silence disappears.

Heavy rainfall sweeps Cars, occupants and 3 bankers away in Onitsha Anambra state

Onitsha, Anambra state experienced heavy rainfall yesterday evening. The rain was so heavy that it swept cars away into gutters.

3 bank staff was said to be among the occupants of one of the cars that was swept away by the rain. They were confirmd dead this morning.

FG to begin sharing Abacha’s loot to 302,000 poor homes in July

The Federal Government says it will commence disbursement of the recovered $322 million dollars Abacha loot through Conditional Cash Transfers (CCT) to 302,000 poor households in 19 states in July 2018.  Mr Tukur Rumar, of the National Cash Transfer Office (NTCO), disclosed this at an event organised by the Swiss Embassy in Abuja yesterday June 28th.
According to Rumar, 19 states which includes Niger, Kogi, Ekiti, Osun, Oyo, Kwara, Cross River, Bauchi, Gombe, Jigawa, Benue, Taraba, Adamawa, Kano, Katsina, Kaduna, Plateau, Nasarrawa, Anambra and Internally Displaced Camps (IDPs) in Borno are to benefit from the repatriated loot.

He noted that the benefiting households will be derived from the National Social Register (NSR) that the 19 states are already on and that each household would receive N5000.
Meanwhile, the Swiss Ambassador to Nigeria, Eric Mayoraz has said that the $722 million of the Abacha loot that was hidden in Switzerland was fully repatriated in 2005. He also said that the 322 million dollars that was repatriated in Dec. 2017, was money that was frozen by the Swiss Attorney-General, but was not domiciled in Switzerland, but in other countries, mainly Luxembourg.
He, however, said measures had been put in place to ensure that Swiss banks were not used to hide stolen funds from other countries.

Woman caught while trying to dump her dead baby’s body in an IDP camp in Borno state (Viewer discretion)

A woman was caught today while trying to dump her dead baby at Bakassi IDP camp in Maiduguri, Borno state capital. She wrapped her dead baby in a sack and was about to dump the dead child when she was apprehended.
She was paraded round the camp by other IDPs before she was handed over to the security officers. The reason for her action is yet unknown.
See the graphic photos below;

Read an eye witness account of the tanker explosion at Otedola bridge yesterday

According to an eye witness, Omole estate security could have helped to save lives and property, but they decided to lock them out. Sad!!

Must Read, Seems Nigerian Pastors are now into the business of buying and selling of salvation – Nigerian lady rants

A Nigerian lady took to twitter to rant about Nigerian pastors. she said Nigerian pastors are now in the business of buying and selling salvation. Read the full gist below
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Another tanker explosion along Suleja road in Niger state

Another tanker explosion happened along Suleja road in Niger state this morning. This is barely 24 hours after a petrol tanker explosion on Otedola bridge in Lagos that claimed the lives of 9 persons and many cars destroyed.