Lately it seems that a lot of my friends are handling the end of their relationships, but the odd part is that their relationships have been ending for months now yet they have not walked away. There always seems to be a new reason to why they are talking which leads to them attempting to work it out, or they just decide to be in limbo. So here it is.
Dear Hopeful and Persistent Friends of Mine,
I am going to be very careful how I word this because there is a thin line between honest and rude and I am not downplaying your relationships but I am going to point out concepts that may not be obvious to you.
Love vs. Comfort
I understand that you love him, but are you still in love with him? I think you may be comfortable and the worst part is that you know this. You are aware that the fire is not there and no matter how hard you both have tried to light it up again it has not worked. You dated for months, years, even a decade but sometimes relationships do end and the mature way to handle it is to walk away knowing that you both did everything you could. You both claim to need to change something, and you try but you are you at the core. You may change habits for a short period of time but you always revert back to who you were. You are trying to change for someone else instead of yourself and that rarely works for long periods of time. At the end of the day you keep coming back the same people expecting a different outcome. Do not change for anyone but for yourself and be with someone who does not want to change you.
Love vs. Self-Respect
He cheated on you, he lies to you, and he manipulates you. You only hear the words “I love you” coming from his lips and he is careful where he places them but if he really loved you would he have cheated? Lied? Manipulated you? You did not do those things to him and you said you loved him. So do you hurt the people you love or do you respect them enough to be honest with them? Maybe he does love you, but I would not want to be loved like that and I know that you feel the same way because if you did not you would not cry every night like you do. I know this is circumstantial but sometimes you have to accept situations at face value because at the end of the day how you let other people treat you says a lot about you. At some point he learned to expect empty threats from you, pushing the boundaries of how much he could get away with.
Love vs. Excuses
He is going through a rough time, he has family issues, he has money issues, he has emotional issues. He does not mean what he says, or does. He loves me he is just not ready. I have heard every excuse in the book, and I have been guilty of making excuses for people too. I am not saying if you and your spouse have had a rough week you should call it quits. On the other hand if for a long dragged on period of time he uses his problems as excuses for why he disappoints you and you find yourself using those same excuses when you explain to me or all of your other friends maybe you should reevaluate the situation. You should not have to make excuses for him like that and he should not have to make you feel like you should.
Love vs. Fear
You do not like being alone. You got used to being with someone for so long that the thought of not having someone there at the end of the day scares the living daylights out of you but here is something that I am going to tell you that you have heard before but did no listen to: we will be here. By we I mean your friends. We will be here with chocolate, movies, a shoulder to cry on or whatever you need. You will not go through this change alone and we would never want you to but you should not be with someone because you fear loneliness. We cannot be your boyfriends but we can help you handle not having one. You may need this more than you think in order to discover the kind of person you are without him.
You may not find me very credible because I am not you, and I do not know everything about your relationship. I know that it is hard for you to hear this because it is not what you see but it is what we see. The love that you guys share may be real but why is it that you cannot figure it out? If a relationship just needed love I bet a lot of people would still be together, but that is not all. Relationships need honesty, loyalty, and respect amongst other things including good timing.
I am a true believer that people will find their way back to each other. So I challenge you to let him go and I challenge him to let you walk away. Let each other grow and become the people you both really want to be. If in the end you end up together maybe you really were meant to be all along but you will not work right now, and the more you mess with your relationship the more you will end up resenting one another. So do this for yourself because we will be here no matter what, but you need to let yourself be your number one priority right now.
Sincerely,
Your Honest Best Friend
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