How My Monkey Got Me Kicked Out Of A Bar HAHAHA

******HOW MY MONKEY GOT ME KICKED OUT OF A BAR*****

Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs it into his mouth and swallows it. Bartender freaks and starts yelling about how much cue balls cost , etc. The guy tries to calm him down and tells him the monkey will pass it in the next day or so and hell wash it off real well and bring it back.

Sure enough the guy and the monkey come back into the bar and gave the bartender his cue ball back. Meanwhile the monkey reaches into the peanut bowl, grabs a nut, sticks it in his butt--then eats it. The bartender stares at the monkey who continues to repeat this action again and again. So he asks the guy, "whats up with that?"

"What?"

"your monkey keeps grabbing peanuts one at a time and sticking them in his butt then eating them."

"Oh, that---well, ever since the pool ball incident, he has to measure everything before he eats it."

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********* THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD *********

Father/Son

A father passing by his sons bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an green envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that Im writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. Ive been finding real passion with Mariel and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But its not only the passion dad, shes pregnant and Mariel said that we will be very happy.

Even though you dont care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and thats now one of my dreams too.

Mariel taught me that marijuana doesnt really hurt anyone and well be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, well pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mariel can get better; she sure deserves it!

Dont worry Dad, Im 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday Im sure well be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Tom

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. Im over at the neighbors house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card thats in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.